Friday, February 10, 2012

Hhurumph.

This is a blog post about nothing.  There's a very specific reason for this and that's that lately, I've been feeling grumpy, out of sorts and well D-O-W-N.  See this bird?  He gets me.  I'm feeling the original Angry Bird right now.

I had scheduled a grown up play date at my friend Laura's yesterday.  As I was getting dressed to go to her house after working 6 hours before 10:30am, I realized something.  Something a little disturbing to me.  I'd not left my house in 4 days.  Well, I did go for a walk one day and got the mail a couple times.  I also tend to the chickens several times a day, so I need to get outside my actual home to do that as well.  But, I had not left the immediate vicinity of my house in 4 days.  No other outside human contact then the men in my life.  Though I love them dearly...ugh and yikes.  Something's not right in Kansas, Toto.  I'm feeling the reasons are many fold.

My job has been...let's see...how can we put this...so much less then fulfilling lately.  I'm working at a job that allows me to be home for my boys most days.  For that I am thankful.  It's helping us just get by in these, yet again, laid off times.  For that I am thankful.  But it's also very stressful, incredibly fast paced and impossible to do really well because of that.  I'm performing a good 42-45 hours worth of work in 30 hours most weeks.  It's not conducive to anyone's best quality work.  It's a job that is spiritually draining to me and often feels pointless.  And after 3 years at this pace with absolutely no vacation, holiday pay, sick time or raises, I'm burnt out.  Not your average burnt out, but charcoal briquette burnt out, the reserves are running on empty.  With all that we've been through the last 4 months, I just need Calgon to take me away.  If only a bubble bath would put it all right, I'd be all set.

So, many things have to change for us and yet they remain the same.  We're in flux of a big decision right now (more on that later after the decision's been made) which means some even leaner times for our family for a couple of years.  We're up for that challenge, but honestly, not sure how much leaner I can function this household.  All I can say is this.  It's a really good thing that, after a literal lifetime of it, I've gotten so good at dealing with financial adversity.  It's going to prove even more useful in the near future if this decision is made. 

Some days, I get to wondering will this ever end?  See, Music Man and I have been together for almost 14 years (what??? how is that possible?).  In that time, he's been laid off 7 times.  I can assure you, this is no fault of his.  All his past bosses were sorry to see him go, but it's just business.  And the nature of what he's trained to do being either absorbed by engineers or shipped overseas when it costs less for the company to do this.  But now, Music Man is going to be 51 soon and the older you get the harder it is to find a job.  This weighs on us both tremendously.  We've got two little mouths to feed besides our own, and hope to some day retire.  So, that being said, something's got to give, doesn't it? It's unavoidable.  Do you ever feel like you're beating your head against a wall?


I'm in one big funk lately.  I think I have some slight form of PTSD because I keep reliving the moment in my head that my loving, talented, caring husband walked through our door two weeks before closing on our forever home we worked (hard- blood, sweat and money went into it) 5 months to get and had to tell me he was laid off.  Again.  From a job he felt was stable, and that he loved. The raw pain in his eyes and face, I'll never forget that feeling, never.  And I'm having some trouble with all of that lately.  I know this too shall pass, life is ever changing, it's the one thing you can totally count on.  But I'm feeling...hmmm...I don't know. 

Not sure how to define how I'm feeling, and it comes and goes.  Some days are better then others and I'm trying to focus on the fact that we're all together, safe, warm, fed and relatively healthy.  And then I go back and forth, should that be all I can hope for, can't I be allowed to hope for more, like comfort, more rested, financially secure and a successful future?  Many people in my life, relatives and others are financially so much better off then we are, and I wonder why that is?  We do all the right things, work hard and are good people, why is it that we keep coming back to this same place?  I honestly don't know what lesson we're supposed to derive from this is, and it's not for lack of trying to figure it out.  I spend hours in the middle of the night almost nightly, lying awake, trying to figure out just this thing.  What's the lesson? Music Man and I have arrived at the fact that things need to change in order for this horrible pattern to stop repeating itself.  Things have to change, there is no other choice.  Change.  I'm never comfortable with change anymore.

So, I will get back to my recipes and homesteading stuff soon, but this is where I'm at and what I'm feeling and so thought I'd share.  You can now resume your regularly scheduled programming.

Looking for a way to get to better, ~Peacemom

3 comments:

Ruta said...

I can relate!
Let me know if you want to meet for tea...

Dog Trot Farm said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. Know that you are not alone. We here had many a lean year, but just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Remember, eventually you will own a home, but don't let your home own you. Blessings to you, Julie.

Jennifer and Steve said...

thinking of you and yours vonnie. we all go through these periods in our lives and your feelings are normal. it's good to feel what you feel so you can work through it. if you've not heard of louise hay, check her out. her book: you can heal your life and it's expressed and implied messages really changed our life view. warm wishes for peace and strength.