Tuesday, January 24, 2012

So Ready

Good Day All,

I was over on my friend, Julie's, blog at Dog Trot Farm this morning and she gave me a nice idea about a short blog topic to try next blog.  Today, I'll just say this.  My motivation for blogging has given way to something akin to blah-dom.  In fact, most of my days have given way to the same.  I'm still working through all the harsh things we've been through recently.  I'm doing okay most days, and then...not so well on others.  It's a process, you see.

My dear friend and mentor Laura lives on the road where our failed attempt at the farm-to-be is located.  And Maestro's Cub Scout leader lives off that road.  So, we have to drive by the farm at least a couple of times a week.  No choice in the matter if we want to see our friends.  This is tough on both Music Man and I.  I don't let my eyes wander to it as I'm driving by, mostly...sometimes I dare to take a glance and it pounds my stomach like a punch.  And seeing our friend and realtor's sign on the front lawn...well, that's tough, too.  He put so much work into that barn with us, knee deep in it all every weekend.  We hope he gets something from the deal in the end.  He deserves it.  The sorrow we feel at not being able to make it not just for ourselves, but for our friends that helped us, is hard too.  The whole thing is one big giant suck pill, truly.

Music Man back on the unemployment, job hunting train is painful, too.  He truly loved what he was doing for work, and there are not as many solar job opportunities out there right now in New England.  My theory is because all the federal funding was cut.  That coupled with jobs being sent to China like his was.  I feel for him in having to do this again and again.  It's stressful and aggravating.  Some of the most stressful things people have to endure in their lives are birth of a child, purchase or sale of a home, losing your job and death of a loved one.  Last year brought us 3 of those 4. And we didn't even end up with the house after 5 months of work and stress to have it.  I'm failing to see the lesson in this for us beyond don't bother to dream.  This is not the first time in the length of my life that I've worked very hard for something I did not get. No, not the first time indeed.  But it is right up there for the one that hurts the worst.

Each day brings me a tiny bit closer to getting over it, I'm sure. Most days, I find my motivation is lacking to do much of anything beyond the necessary.  Yes, I know, still feeling depression sitting on my shoulders.  Most of the time, I just don't think about it.  I just go from one thing to the next that needs doing and do that.  "Just lean forward" is mine and Music Man's motto in things like this.  It has served us with many uphill battles in the 14 years that we've been together.  What else can you do?  Most days, we focus on other things because we can't look back, we've got to look forward.  No way to change what has been.  The two boys currently sleeping in the other room are my reason for getting out of bed some days.  I always know I will move on from sorrow because I have to for their sake.

Lean forward with me, ~Peacemom

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