Friday, April 19, 2013
See, my husband, partner, father of my children was in Cambridge at 10:30 last night, watching a show at a club with a friend of his. It is not something he does very often anymore. I had a rush of emotions as I realized that he so easily could have been at the 7-11 stopping for a soda for the ride home, or on the street when a fire fight broke out. I woke him gently to tell him the news. He was across town from where it all took place. They had noticed a distinct lack of traffic when they left the club, but did not know why, taking it as stroke of good luck as traffic can be a bear at times in the city. I silently remembered telling him before he left home that I wasn't sure if it was a good idea for him to be going to the city after what happened Monday. He had assured me he would be fine. I paused for a moment for a quick prayer for his safety after I kissed him good bye. Since a dear friend lost her husband years ago in a car accident, we don't let the other leave without a sincere, look-you-in-the-eyes goodbye, I love you and a kiss. Life can change in an instant and without warning, I know it to be true.
I had the thought that I didn't want my children in school today. I wanted them home with me. Of course, it's not really a rational thought, is it? But after the terror of Monday, not so distant from a school shooting that took 26 lives, and now this, it didn't matter to me if it was rational or not. I had to talk myself down from that ledge. We are a bit of a distance from Boston up here in southern New Hampshire, and it's not realistic to think that the man or his associates, for I am sure it was not just the two of them acting alone, would come to my children's school. But after having had my husband down in Cambridge in harm's way, it took me a little while. I rely on my faith in these circumstances, and was able to calm down enough to be sure the kids were fed, had on clean clothes, brushed their teeth and were ready to meet the day. I told them briefly about what happened, not beleaguering the point that their father had been down there. The asked some questions and we were on to breakfast and other topics.
I made the mistake of checking facebook and some of the folks on my friend list don't live here and aren't steeped in the horror of it all. My niece goes to school at Boston University and in fact was near the finish line when the bombs went off. It's pretty personal to me. That she could have been hurt or killed and that my husband was in the very place that it continued last night, well, yes, very personal indeed.
I am someone who believes in the right to own a gun. My husband hunts and this could provide food for our family. However, I'm not a person who believes that any form of automatic weapon belongs on anyone but the military and police (and I'm not sure about my support of that except that in those times, I suppose it's necessary). I've been patient with people's comments about the right to bear arms, and heck, I'd just blow the bastard away with my AK47, things like that. I feel very trampled by those comments today. Because, I realized that they feel justified in their view, it's a them or me mentality. Putting 100 bullets into one person would kill them sure, but what about the scores of other innocent people who would go down with them as a result of that? And if we all have those weapons of mass killing firing at each other, does that justify it all? Makes me sick to my stomach and sad for my children that this is the world they are inheriting. I won't be here forever and this is what I have brought them into and left for them. I don't even know what to say to them about it, how to comfort them and mean it in my heart.
I'm a bit all over the place with my emotions today. I also woke to have one of my chickens dead this morning. Tulip, the first we've lost and I'm not ashamed to say, I cried for her. And cried as a release of the fear for my husband's safety and sorrow for my children's world, and I softly said a prayer for all of them. It's been quite a roller coaster of emotions here for me today.