Friday, May 18, 2012
Yep, life's choices are sometimes so interesting and how things play out. Instead of farming, I dabble at that passion in my very spare time and work at a job that is neither fulfilling or soul nourishing, certainly not enjoyable... and, I love my little deductions and would not change them being here for the world, you all know that. But I do sometimes wonder how my life would be different if so many of my choices were not driven by the need to care for other souls besides my own. I know it would certainly be lonelier and less fulfilled on one very important level (I ALWAYS knew I wanted to be a mother), but they do drive most of the choices Music Man and I make. It's supposed to be that way when you have children, isn't it? But Music Man and I discuss often how our choice of "forever home" is totally very driven by our desire (really, internal ache) to be as self sufficient as possible. A lot of the reasons for that is the boys who we call "Son" and our desire to provide them with the healthiest life possible. But it does not reconcile with the need to make so much money to provide that little home for them, and our need to work at jobs that are not our preference. Fourteen years ago, when we met, we could not have known that life would deal us such a challenging and, let's face it, unfair path. That little farm doesn't seem to be in our immediate future in any case.
Then, I wonder is that just my fear talking? When I pontificated about how I wanted to leave my job the other day due to many particularly trying days in a row, Music Man told me maybe it was time for me to jump and trust that the net will appear. Ohhhh, he should be careful what he encourages me to do...but he also knows that the first priority in my life is my Sprites and their needs, so I earn the paycheck working for someone else that helps keep our little family unit floating. And I hope upon hope that somehow we will get the farm we want so badly before we are both too old to work it. That leap is looking a little less scary as I get older, I'll tell you that.
What passion would you leap into the net for?
Feeling uneasy and a bit discontent, ~Peacemom